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Thursday, May 9, 2013

The Day I Found That I Lost The Twins


24 Apr 2013 (Week 13)
It was a bad traffic day, and we had to use MEX straight to Putrajaya. We had to stop at Putrajaya RnR to pee, and found that I had few brown spotting! I urged hubby to bring me straight to Klinik Jameaton, but Doctor Jameaton was not on duty. Another young Locum Doc Najjah took over and scanned my tummy. She found two fetuses and confirmed that we had twins! "HUH?? TWINS?? SINCE WHEN??" I was super shocked and even surprised when she told us that there were no heartbeats at both babies! She explained that the babies stopped growing at 8 weeks and 7 weeks, each, when I was already at 13 weeks! I cried like crazy and prayed that this was only a dream. I wanted to wake up from this dream badly, but this was the reality.
I then asked hubby to get for a second opinion and we went to Klinik Perdana for the first time. Met Doctor Hana, and she was kind enough to console me and do the check-up. She then scanned and confirmed that we really had twins! I was still in shocking mode! She said the same thing that both babies had no heartbeats, though there was a very minimal spikes. Anyhow, her scan was not that good, and the image looked quite blurry due to the low resolution. She advised to go to hospital, to do TVS (Trans-Vagina Scan), for better resolution and clearer heartbeats. She then explained that the fetuses have stopped at 8 weeks 6 days and 8 weeks 4 days, almost similar to what Klinik Jameaton explained. She then wrote a referral letter to AZ-Zahra, since all her patients said that it is a good hospital.

I cried like mad when I was in the car, on the way to Az-Zahra, Bangi. Hubby tried to comfort me but I really can’t stop crying. He asked me to remember Allah. Istigfar. Jangan meratap! But I really can't! I called Kak Ngah and cried like hell, then only I told her everything. 

Once we arrived at the hospital, we straight away went to the Emergency. Anyhow, there was no specialist on standby, only MO who works at Putrajaya Hospital. She tried to call the Labor room to check for TVS, but she got no answer for that. She advised us to come back tomorrow morning for further check-up. Teruk betul!

In the car, hubby did his choro on the twins. What he saw earlier (another hearbeat) during 8 weeks was 100% correct (the twins). I was pretty sure that hubby was right, coz he always had a good guess on everything that he believed in.

We went back and I tried to force myself to sleep. Then I started to feel cramp at my tummy. The cramp got even bad from 12.00AM to 3.00AM. Hubby then said something was not right, and we need to go to Emergency, at Prince Court Medical Center. The cramp, which actually contractions, getting more and more painful, every 5 minutes. I laid straight at the back seat and cried like hell. Once we reached at the Emergency, hubby straight away registered myself, while I sat on the wheelchair. The nurse then brought me into the emergency bay, while Doctor Shah, MO of the morning, came and checked my tummy.

With come-and-go contractions, 15 minutes later, I had my water broke! Felt like basin of warm water came out in a splash! I called nurse and she checked my underpart. She then asked me to go to toilet to take a urine sample. I sat on the toilet bowl and suddenly, blood went all over the bowl! I quickly called hubby and nurse, and tadah ketulan-ketulan yang keluar! I cried out loud while handed all the blood clogs to the nurse, where she put them in the kidney trays. Amazingly, all the contractions have gone away!
The nurse then came and told me what is going to happen next. She poke me with a needle to create an inline, and started to drip water into my vein. It was a smooth poke and she was really good in doing her job. While waiting for Doctor Tan, ultrasound specialist and doc-on-call of the day, she asked me whether I wanted to see the fetus or not. She later came with the fetus in one container, and I cried while looking at it. I cried non stop! Two eyes, mouth, two hands, fingers, two feet, all have perfectly formed. Anyhow, they didn’t manage to locate the other fetus, that I was pretty sure might have flushed in the toilet, since I didn’t expect to have tumpah darah earlier in the toilet. 
I cried while laid on the bed, unable to accept what had happened to me, over the night. Doctor Tan later came and visit me and told me the detail. I was then admitted into the ward, and didn’t stop crying. Hubby was there by my side, all the time, comforting me to accept the fate, for this is all Allah’s will. Nurse Aina then changed my cloth and maternity pad, and she has being a very good and helpful nurse to me. 
Another nurse then came and told me that she has booked for OT, for me to undergo a SNC (suction type of womb cleaning). Since we didn’t know the exact time, hubby decided to go back home for a while, to take my cloth. However, the OT was vacant at 11.00AM, and I need to get ready by 10.30AM. I called hubby to tell him that I will be going to OT soon. I laid on the bed, while nurse and porter pushed the bed from 6th floor to 2nd floor, where I was transported to another OT bed, and waited at the Recovery Bay. In the OT, I saw 5-6 nurses, and Doctor Ghaz, the anesthetist, started to prepare the anes. I was given oxygen, and while looking at the working nurses, I passed out.
Soon I woke up, I was still in half conscious mode. In fact, I was laughing without knowing why did I laugh for. I asked the nurse what time was it, and she told me it was 11AM. Eh, I thought the procedure was done at 11AM? I was told that the procedure actually just took 5 minutes. Doctor Tan used vacuum style, instead of the old-school way, DNC. I then being brought back to 6th floor, where hubby was there, waited for me in the room. He held my hand and check-on me. I was still blurry at that time. Nurse then told hubby to feed me once I am fully awake.
An hour later, Deb came to visit me, followed by Latipah, Afzan, Akhmar, Liza, and Miji. Skin and Hasrul came with Sami and Suci, and later stayed with me in the room. All who came were surprised that I had carried twins and sad with what had happened. I hold my sadness and tried to talk to all of them. I had my lunch and dinner with hubby, on the bed. Later that night, Abah and Makcik came and then went to Seremban. While I slept on the bed, hubby slept on the sofa bed and we both, tried to accept the fate.

25 Apr 2013
The next morning, nurse came to check my blood pressure and I requested to take off the inline needle. I had my breakfast with hubby on the bed, while the nurse was checking for the bill. I still cried on and off, and hubby hugged me tightly. 
We waited until noon, before I called MediExpress to check on the bill. Found that the total cost was RM3257, where the access was RM500. Reasonable and acceptable price for PCMC. Doctor Tan later came to check on me, and hubby finally showed him the scan images. He was surprised to see that the twins were in one sac. He told us that there are 4 types of twins, and ours are the third type.

1) Two babies, two sacs, two placenta. Non-identical. Common. The most safe twins.

2) Two babies, two sacs (chorion), one placenta. Identical. Seldom. Risky but deliverable.

3) Two babies, one sac (chorion), one placenta. Identical. Rare. Risky (50-50).

4) Conjoint twins. Kembar siam. No one would want this type.

Doctor Tan told us that what we were having was actually a high risk pregnancy and that was why the baby stopped growing at 8 weeks and 7 weeks. The babies must be unhealthy, for not continue growing, and there must be a silver lining on what had happened. We tried to accept the fate, knowing that having Momo twins is 50-50. Come to think of it, hubby used to ask me, apa panggilan kami nanti utk baby. Mummy daddy ke, mama abah ke, which later he decided to call us Momo Popo. 

There you go, a Momo twins, where we could only save one fetus. (Tak sempat nak tahan yang sorang lagi, dah jatuh masa tumpah darah kat dalam toilet PCMC...sigh...)
I was discharged by 2PM and was given 2 weeks MC. I thanked all the nurses at 6th floor. Meanwhile, I called nurse Aina, and she was kind enough to push me on the wheelchair, straight down the entrance, and had a quick chit chat with me. Such a nice young nurse from Kedah. May Allah bless her.

At home, I did cry few times, while hubby didn’t stop comforting me. We did some research on Momo twins. Again, we tried to accept the fact that these twins might have some reasons, for not wanting to grow. If they ever grow, either one must have fight to get more nutrient and more space from the other. We then assumed that the other baby has died earlier (7 weeks) where his twins followed the week after (8 weeks). Knowing all this made me really sad and heartbreaking.

Hubby buried the baby along with uri and other blood clogs at our lawn and marked it with 3 stones. I am now in recovering mode, trying to be strong, but it is easier said than done.
May our twins bless by Allah, and pray for us, straight from Jannah. Not knowing the gender, we had earlier picked two names, Nuh Rafael and Hud Rafael, for our twins. Momo and Popo love you both. Al-Fatihah.

Post-miscarriage :
- Doctor Tan said nothing was wrong, it could be the fetuses themselves who were not growing. Practitioners always said it was due to the incomplete chromosome. Nothing to do with what you eat, or what you do. Plus, it was a rare twins case. Better now than later.
- Morning/evening sickness is actually good. It indicates the relation between the baby and the mom. I didn't know that losing my evening sickness was a sign that the babies are already gone. So, it is better to puke all day, than feel nothing.
- Each woman is differ to another. Thus, whatever suit one's body might not be suit for you. I might be wrong, when I followed anything that my sister took (air halia, black pepper, betik, etc). 
- According to Doctor Tan, we can always try to conceive after a month. Anyhow, according to Malay bidan, it is best to wait for 3 or 6 months for the womb to be fully ready.
- Makcik Yot (bidan) told my two sisters that she can see I was super stressed and traumatized  with the lost. Too many sad aura in me. I am needed to be good, physically and mentally, to continue life. I was forced to drink Chinese and Malay herbs, and shower myself with 5 types of leaves (daun inai, daun kunyit, daun lengkuas, daun serai, daun pandan), untuk buang angin dalam badan. Angin degil, urut picit tanak keluar katanya.
- Air borne viruses are not good for pregnant ladies. I had no issue with either cleaning the house or playing with my cats, but if I could turn back time, I will never ever get myself into these area. At least, that close.
- I am telling myself that this is all Allah's will. Whatever scientifically and mystically reasons are just plainly "reasons". On the brighter side, though Allah gave me the chance to be pregnant, just by 13 weeks, at least, I know now, that I can get pregnant (twins somemore) and nothing is wrong with us. 
- Allah will not test someone, if He knows that someone cannot bear with the test. I was chosen and I will never question Him why He is doing such to me. This is destined to me. Allah likes us to request from Him, and I know, He wants me to continue requesting. I believe that rezeki comes in many methods. Now...only time will tell, when is our next rezeki, in the form of child(s). InsyaAllah.

"I would like to thank ALL (family, friends, readers) for congratulated me on the recent pregnancy, and gave me nice wishes and hopes on my recovery. It is far beyond my strength to reply all comments but deep in my heart, I appreciate all of it. The reasons why I blog about this are to record down the memory on TTC (try to conceive), to share with others who are in the same boat that you are not alone, and to let others feel what I feel, regardless directly or indirectly. May Allah bless all of us with whatever we wish for. 5 years of waiting, and still waiting. We will not stop praying, insyaAllah, Allah will listen and grant, maybe not all but part of it, coz He knows best." - Biqque -

Previous, Part One : The Day I Found That I Am Pregnant. Click HERE.
Earlier, Heartbreaking News : We Lost The Twins. Click HERE.


MasReena said...

Sorry to hear that =(

FarahFerraDotCom said...

Sorry to hear that..Be strong okey..

ceklala said...

be strong ok..

Mya said...

salam takziah.
harap u dan suami bertabah...

MasZuber said...


Zilla said...

be strong, biqque :(

Unknown said...

Salam. Bersabar ye. You are not alone. I pun pernah 'lost' baby dalam perut berusia 5 bulan. Tapi semua ada hikmahnya. Alhamdulillah. In shaa Allah.

Lenny said...

i know it is easier said than done.. but my prayers goes for u .... aku doakan ko kuat dan tabah.. dan insya Allah di permurahkan rezeki lagi, utk mendapat cahaya mata yg sihat, cukup segala2nya .... amin...

buat masa ni... take good care... pantang jgn tak pantang tau...

SUhaz said...

setuju dgn LENNY JUBILEE

u r not alone,,,,,

kami pon never stop praying for that bundle of joy to join or very small family ( only me n hubby )

be strong.....

Liz said...


Nothing I can say to wash away the pain in your heart. I know because I was in that situation before twice.

Take some time to mourn silently. It can be a week, a month or even a year. Yang penting, kita kena redha kerana Allah itu lebih mengetahui.

Be strong!

Superstar Mommy said...


Just walking around n terjumpa ur blog.. takziah buat u and ur family.. be strong ok.. Insya Allah akan ada rezeki lebih baik menanti.

*Me sangat sayu tgk janin ur twin

JaSSNaNi said...

be strong.. takziah dari saya...

eima said...

dear sedih tp kagum ngankebesaran Allah ... aku rasa tergamam sbb dpt tgk janin sekecil tu yg aku tak terbayang langsung .. insyaa allah akan ade rezeki lebih baik utk ko dear

Ren said...

Ya Allah biq, sedih aku baca cite ko ni, janin tu dah ada mata..pasti mereka sangat cute.

Tempat mereka di Syurga biq, dan merekalah yang akan mendoakan ko dan shahrul.

Terimalah dengan tabah. Usaha lagi.

DJ said...

Al-Fatihah...Banyak-banyak bersabar..InsyaAllah ada hikmahnya...

NEKCIK said...

Salam Biqque...insyaallah mungkin bayi tu kurang sihat..tu Allah ambil dulu...insyaallah nnti Allah akan gantikan dgn yg lebih sempurna lagi..semuga tabah dan redha mnghadapinya..aamiin

Diana Diane Teo said...

I was really shocked but at same time, my tears dropped when you shared in facebook. Be strong, Biqque.

Outdoorfreak said...

*nangis*... *still x boleh stop nangis*..
i nak suruh u sabar tp i sendiri nangis non stop fikir how long u hv waited for them..
i doa semoga u dapat more twins soon biqque..amin.

Twilight Man said...

I was so shocked to read this very sad news and my heart sank to the floor with tears. You wrote so detailed and I could feel the painful ordeal you & hubby went through. He must be very lost and confused trying his very best to comfort you throughout. I salute him.

Everything happens for a reason in life. Please be strong. Maybe you both need to travel a bit again to calm down.

I am sorry again for all your heartbreaks.

Azwa said...

Takziah Biqque
I believe u r a strong person
sebab tu Allah uji

tasyha3 said...

I know that no words can help ease the pain and loss that you are feeling right now.. May your babies soul rest in heaven..
Be strong..

niL said...

Biqque, bnyak2 sabar..
Both babies dah comfirm tempatnya di jannah...

Emy Tak Kecik said...

Sedih baca entry ni....

cepat2 sihat ye

QA's ~ mamapapa said...

salam kenal...semoga yg pahit akan manis akhirnya..ur twins re waiting for u both in jannah,inshaaAllah..jmputla follow kmbali :)

sYun said...

Hi Marina! Sorry to hear bout it..Rest in peace Nuh Rafael and Hud Rafael.

Thank you for sharing this stories. It was indeed very educational.

I wish that you will conceive soon with healthy babies!! Take care

Anash said...

i have my watery eyes right now....
cant comment much...
(still can recall your story about your dear mom...)

you are a strong woman!!!

dont think i can be at that place like you...

zette said...


tabah la ye...

Unknown said...

besarnya dugaan u. insha Allah, besar juga ganjarannya. take care...

Reen Tart Nenas said...

salam takziah.
didnt know that u are also a TTC. I'm a TTC myself but only for 3 years. sedih saye baca entry ni. saya sangat memahami.

insyallah, rezeki tu ada nanti.


Don't Afraid to Try said...


really sorry...baru baca pasal ni..

ape2 pun, i know you are very strong to face all this things.

teruskan dgn cerita2 menarikmu...:)

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